Pure Gay
Ely Percy
Tiger Jackson fae Stramash is gay. It’s in aw the papers an apparently he’s got a boyfriend that’s in an all gay rock band. Ah cannae believe it cause he’s got hunners ae lassie fans an (after Murray Hart) he’s got tae be the second sexiest guy on Earth.
Nicola Buchanan’s tryin tae say she knew the whole time. She’s tryin tae say that she seen him pure snoggin this guy wan time ootside the Govan underground. It was before he was famous, she said. Aye right, said Chris Rice, An ma da’s the coal man. That’s right, said Nicola, I keep forgettin you’re a bastard. Aye well you’re a pure lezzy, said Chris.
Whit dae you think, ah said tae Laura Kyle, D’yi think it’s jist a rumour. Who cares man, said Laura, As long as he can sing an he disnae try an snog Bunsen ah’ll still buy his CDs.
Ah phoned Charlene the night at the hospital. Have yi heard, ah said. Have yi heard the thing aboot Tiger Jackson. Charlene made a big sighin noise intae the phone. Kirsty, she said, See if yir jist on here tae wind me up yi can jist bugger off hen. Ah didnae know whit tae say tae that, ah only phoned tae see if she wis awright cause she’s a pure massive Tiger fan. Whit wid yi dae though, ah said, If he wis pure gay. Nae answer. Ah said tae her, D’yi think yi wid still fancy him. Charlene went an pit the phone doon on me.
*
The heidline in the Sun said:
DON’T CAUSE A STOOSHIE, PLEADS GAY SINGER
Ah wis readin it oot tae Laura an Chris durin Regi:
Scared that he was soon to be outed, teenage heartthrob, Tiger Jackson, of the popular Scottish band, Stramash, has confessed he is gay. Jackson, nineteen, is currently in a relationship with Robbie George, twenty four, a member of the controversial Mancunian rock band, Slash.
This is one of the hardest things ah’ve ever had tae do, Jackson claimed. But ma fans huv all been pure supportive to us an ah think it’s only fair they know the whole truth. Ah know this might come as a bit of a shock to some folk but ah jist hope fans realise ah’m still the same guy an they’ll no make a big deal.
Ah widda kept on readin but Sammy Campbell come up an startet annoyin us an sayin Stramash wur aw poofs. Him an Chris got intae an argument cause he said Chris’ hair wis pure gay lookin an then Chris went away in a huff.
*
Chris Rice has shaved aw his hair aff. He come intae school this mornin wi a total baldy an evrubdy wis up pure clappin his heid an seein whit it felt like. Ah think it looks pure freaky especially since he’s taken a big gouge ootae it fae right behind his ear, but Sammy Campbell an aw his mad pals keep tellin Chris that he looks brilliant.
He’s went an solt his ticket fur Stramash tae Yvonne cause he said he disnae want tae go anymair.
*
Stramash wur on breakfast TV this mornin talkin aboot Tiger Jackson’s gayness. Murray Hart wis lookin pure sexy as ever an he wis the first wan tae speak:
Wur aw pure proud ae Tiger, he said, Ah think he’s done the right thing an it disnae change anythin between us. Davy McManus said pretty much the same, he said, Noo a days yir sexuality really isnae a big deal.
*
Ah went tae see Charlene up at the psychiatric hospital the day. She’s been hingin aboot wi that boy, Dylan, that she used tae fancy, the wan that she wis tryin tae figure oot whit mental illness he had. Ah asked her if she’d got off wi him yet an she said she hadnae. How no, ah said. Because he’s gay, said Charlene. Honestly, ah said. Naw ah’m makin it up fur the good ae ma health, she said, Widy you think.
Ah’ve never met anybody that’s gay before. Ah widnae know whit tae say tae them. Thir’s a rumour gaun roon oor school that Colin Cantwell’s gay but ah think folk’ve jist made that up cause he smells an naebdy likes him.
Apparently this boy, Dylan, wis gettin bullied at school fur it an he tried tae kill himsel an that’s why he’s in the hospital. Whit’s he like then, ah said tae Charlene. Widyi mean whit’s he like. Dis he act aw pure poofy an that, ah said. Ah don’t know whit yi mean, said Charlene, pure aw dead sarky, He eats drinks an shites lik the rest ae us.
*
Stramash wur in Starmix magazine this week. Ah wis readin it in the canteen durin lunch time. It says here, ah said tae Yvonne an Laura Kyle, That thiv been named as the biggest boy band ever in the top ten boy bands poll. YAS, shoutet Laura Kyle, GO THE GOVAN BOYS GET YIR SCOTTISH MUSIC INVOLVED (she’s got a thing aboot folk fae Govan daein well, it’s cause she originally came fae Drumoyne).
Sammy Campbell an Allan Bryan wur staunin laughin an makin faces at us whilst they wur in the dinner queue, an so wis Chris Rice. AHA, shoutet Sammy, GET YIR CRAP MUSIC INVOLVED. NAW, shoutet Chris, GET YIR POOFS INVOLVED. Mrs Murray wis walkin by when he said it an she pure pult him oot the queue an tolt him tae go wait in her room; on his way oot he turnt roon an grinned at Sammy an Allan, an then he wiggult his bum at us an let oot a massive fart.
*
Ah don’t know whit’s gaun on wi Chris Rice. He still comes up tae ma hoose after school, an me an him an Laura still aw go tae the swimmin baths thegether, an he still copies aw ma home work; but see when wur actually in school, he hings aboot wi aw the nut jobs noo an he jist totally dingies us.
He’s gettin dead sarky tae. Everythin yi dae noo a days is either, Pure gay, or, So gay, or, Pure poofy, accordin tae him. Ah’m glad he isnae comin tae see Stramash anymair. Ah’m no even sure ah still want tae be pals wi him.
*
Stooshie
Tiger J’ll cause a Stooshie
Murray Hart’ll cause a Stooshie
Davy M’ll cause a Stooshie
Stramash’ll cause a giant Stooshie
Tonight’s the night ae the Stramash concert. Ah’ve been pure hyper aw day, pure singin aw thir songs an couldnae concentrate on ma work at school. Yvonne’s da’s drivin us up tae the SECC an Charlene’s been let ootae hospital fur the night so she can go wi Nicola an her ma.
Ah huvnae seen Chris aw week cause he’s been in lunchtime detention wi Mrs Murray. She’s makin him spend an oor every day writin oot the life story ae some famous magician whose catch phrase used tae be, Piff paff poof. Apparently she said tae him if she ever hears him usin the word POOF again, she’ll personally make sure HE disappears fae oor school.
*
The Stramash concert wis brilliant. Evrubdy startet screamin when they came onstage, an loadsa folk wur shoutin, WE STILL LOVE YOU TIGER. They sang aw thir best songs: Stooshie, Shout Ootz, Ma Wee Honey, an a new song that Tiger wrote himsel called
Gie the Boy A Break. When me an Yvonne went back stage tae meet them they wur dead nice tae us; they aw signed wur programs an Murray gied me the rest ae his Pepsi Max that he wis drinkin cause ah wis dead thirsty.
Chris come roon fur us this mornin tae go tae the swimmin baths. His hair’s startet tae grow back in an it reminds me ae a baby hedgehog’s. He never even mentioned the concert or asked how it went.
__________
Ely Percy is a Scottish fiction writer, a memoirist and an epistolarian. Their first work ‘Cracked: Recovering From Traumatic Brain Injury’ (JKP, 2002) took the form of both a creative and an academic text; they graduated with distinction from Glasgow University’s Mphil in Creative Writing in 2004, and since then their work has appeared in many reputable literary journals (e.g. The Edinburgh Review, The Scotsman Orange, New Writing Scotland, Causeway). Over the last fifteen years, Percy has facilitated countless writing workshops for various minority groups; they’ve been writer-in-residence in a prison, they’ve edited a lesbian publication, they’ve worked as a community librarian in an LGBT centre. Their debut novel ‘Vicky Romeo Plus Joolz’ is scheduled for publication in February 2019.