Sometimes You Have to Settle for Popeye
(Even Though You’d Rather Play with Bluto)
Jameson Currier
You hate the beach. You hate the sun and the squinting and the sweating and the sand sticking to everything. Everything is too hot and bright. Your friend Jesse loves the beach. Jesse sits in his beach chair under the shade of his umbrella that you have carried for him from the parking lot, across the hot sand, and shoved into place. Today there is no breeze. The flies are the size of golf balls. You look out at the horizon and want to fall asleep. You pretend you are comfortable on your towel, though Ella, Jesse’s dog, takes up most of the shade. You are Jesse’s guest for the weekend. Jesse’s free labor and dog walker. You have driven Jesse, his dog, and his suitcase three hours from the city in a rental car through heavy traffic. This morning after you walked the dog and washed up from cooking breakfast for Jesse and two of his housemates, you packed lotion, water, books, magazines, and a pooper-scooper for the beach.
Jesse has chosen a spot on the beach near a gay couple he has met before. “They know everyone,” he said when he spotted them from the top of the dunes. Jesse is husband hunting. He wants to meet a wealthy professional which is why he has chosen to take a share in a weekend house in the Hamptons and not Fire Island. Jesse is a romantic, not a realist. He wants a man who will take care of him, take him to the theater and on exotic vacations, and buy him a weekend house, not a guy who will wander off to the dunes the moment he unfolds a beach chair.
The couple he sits next to are a doctor and a lawyer. They both went to Ivy league schools. They are both tall, have long, wavy hair, and bright white teeth. They are both the type of guy Jesse wants to meet and marry. “Only if they were twenty years younger,” Jesse whispered before he sat in his beach chair and forgot to introduce you to them.
The couple makes small talk with Jesse before they ignore him and settle back into their books. Jesse pretends to do a crossword puzzle. You flip through the pages of a magazine, swiping away at sand. Ella pants heavily. You think she hates the beach as much as you do.
Jesse wants to know who everyone is on the beach and what their backstory is. The couple beside him refuse to gossip. They respond with unopinionated answers. “He lives in the Springs.” “He works in Amagansett.” “I believe he’s only out from the city once a month.”
Jesse is clearly bored and frustrated but aware that he must show some manners to the couple if he wants to dig deeper into their address book of potential husbands. He is grateful when he sees his housemate Brad walking along the surf. He waves Brad over to his chair. This is Brad’s fourth year doing a summer share in the Hamptons. He knows the gossip and is willing to dispense all of it. Jesse pumps him for info as Brad sits on your towel and scratches the dog’s head, pushing you a little further out into the hot, cancerous sunlight. Your eyes flutter with exhaustion from doing nothing. When a gorgeous dark-haired man with the physique of a bodybuilder jogs by wearing only a skimpy swimsuit, Jesse must know everything about this god.
Brad says he is a local carpenter who goes both ways. “AC/DC.” Then adds, “Popeye knows him.”
“Popeye?” the couple beside us echo.
Jesse is annoyed the couple was ignoring him but obviously eavesdropping on his conversation with Brad and responds with a flurry of waving hands that playfully slap Brad’s arm. “It’s an inside joke,” Jesse says to the couple. Now it is his turn to be tight-lipped.
Brad rises and says to Jesse, “We’re all sitting down there.” He points to a tiny cluster of umbrellas in the distance. “Why don’t you join us?”
Not willing to impolitely abandon the couple that ignores him, Jesse says, “We’re leaving soon. It’s too hot for Ella.”
You look at your watch and see you have been at the beach less than a half hour. Suddenly, you are grateful for the snobbish older couple.
“See you at the pool,” Jesse says before Brad is out of earshot. He turns to the couple and says as he clutches his beach bag, “You must visit our house and see the pool. It has a waterfall instead of a diving board.”
The couple give Jesse weak smiles and say, “We know the place.” They return to their books. The dog is already running back to the parking lot before you have finished shaking the sand out of the towel.
* * *
“He’s not for you,” Popeye says to Jesse. They are sitting on the deck by the pool and talking about the AC/DC carpenter.
Jesse is infatuated with the carpenter. He wants to know more about him. There is a rumor that he was working on one of the houses south of the highway on the pond and sleeping with both the owner and his wife. Popeye veers the conversation back to Jesse, which is an easy feat. Popeye has a crush on Jesse. Popeye is not his real name. His real name is Gary but Jesse refers to him as Popeye when Gary is out of earshot or out of sight. Jesse gave him the nickname because Gary is short, pale skinned, and has big forearms and a quick, high-toned laugh that sounds like a cartoon character.
“How do you know what I want?” Jesse says, laughing.
“It’s written all over you,” Popeye says. Gary is a music teacher. He lives in New Jersey and has a full share in the house. He is off for the summer and out east all the time. You think Jesse underestimates Popeye. Popeye has a handsome face and a cheerful personality. He’s a do-er not a show-er, unlike Jesse who wants to be waited on and adored all the time. Jesse loves show tunes and wants to be a cabaret singer though he cannot hold a pitch, so instead, Jesse writes reviews of plays and musicals and interviews cabaret stars. He thinks what he really wants to be is a director or producer, even though he has no experience, only a lot of family money he can spend. You think Popeye is perfect husband material for Jesse. They could sing show tunes all the time. Jesse wants a professional husband he can show off on opening nights. He’s made it clear that he could never survive on a teacher’s salary.
Gary swims in the pool. He has a nice, toned body, not over-pumped from a gym membership. Jesse is chunky and hairy and won’t take off his shirt. He expects to find a boyfriend on the sheer force of his personality. You’d love to be with a dreamboat or porn star, though you’d rather spend time with a best friend who comes with perks.
Food arrives when the rest of the housemates have returned from the beach and shopping. Chips are in bowls. The barbecue is turned on. Popeye pours cocktails and brings them poolside. Jesse sips and wants to know if the housemates have any rich, single friends.
“When’s dinner?” he asks, when you put the leash on Ella to take her for a walk.
* * *
You are the designated driver. You drive Jesse, Brad, and two other housemates to the dance club on the highway. Jesse positions himself near the door so he can see who arrives and leaves. Jesse doesn’t want to dance because he doesn’t want to get sweaty. If he gets sweaty, he will be cranky. If he is cranky, no one will fall in love with him from the sheer force of his personality.
You dance with Brad and another housemate. Popeye arrives and talks to Jesse. When Jesse refuses to dance, you dance with Popeye. When the song finishes you go together to the outdoor seating area. The AC/DC carpenter sees Gary and gives him a hug. Standing together, they look like live-action versions of Popeye and Bluto. Gary introduces you to Paul, the real name of the live-action version of Bluto. In high school, you used to work in a hardware section of a department store, so you know a few things to keep a conversation going with a carpenter. Paul is talking about the poor quality of the paint on the outside deck of the club when Jesse arrives. He tries to flirt with Bluto but Bluto does not want to talk about show tunes.
Instead, Paul asks you to dance. As you head to the dance floor, the shock on Jesse’s face is burned into your consciousness. When the song ends you walk together to the outside deck. Jesse and Popeye are nowhere to be seen. You see a couple of guys head out into the row of bushes behind the deck where it is dark. Bluto says it’s a big cruising spot. “Hold onto your wallet,” he says and takes your hand and leads you into the darkness.
* * *
When you return to the club the dance floor is packed. A popular disco song is playing. The disco ball is spinning. Men are dancing shirtless. Everyone is sweating. Except Jesse. Jesse spots you immediately and whines in an octave decibels above the dance music, “Where have you been?” You point from the direction you came from, but he doesn’t care about your answer. He is ready to leave.
Your ears are ringing and your clothes smell of cigarette smoke. Jesse is unhappy that he did not meet anyone up to his standards. He is annoyed that Bluto gave him the cold shoulder. “A carpenter,” he says in a tone of someone who has had too much in life too soon. You don’t tell him about your adventures in the bushes.
Back at the house Jesse has another drink while you walk the dog. He is passed out when you have finished with a shower and are dressed in a clean T-shirt and shorts. You fall easily asleep. You don’t even hear the housemates arrive and shower and flush.
* * *
Early the next morning, you take the dog for a walk through the neighborhood. It is full of houses you think you will never be able to afford. Lawns are beautifully manicured. Flowers and shrubs are thick and green and in bloom.
Back at the house, Brad and Popeye are in the kitchen.
“So you discovered the bushes!” Brad says and hands you a cup of coffee. You roll your eyes to the bedroom upstairs and say, “I don’t think Jesse knows.”
You sit and talk for a while about the club and gay life in the Hamptons, then read the Sunday newspaper. After a while you walk upstairs and check on Jesse. He rolls over in his bed, looks at you, and says, “I don’t feel so good. We’ll drive back tomorrow. Is that okay?”
You nod but before you leave the room, Jesse says, “Why don’t you spend the day with Gary? He thinks you’re cute.”
You smile, feeling as if bought a winning lottery ticket.
You find Popeye out by the pool and ask him if the bikes in the basement are in shape. He says the tires need air, but there is a hand pump in the house. You ask him if he wants to bike into town. He slips on a T-shirt and shorts and helps you find the pump.
The bike ride is glorious. The air is thin and crisp. Popeye tells you about the way sunlight hits this part of the island, why the area is full of so many painters and artists with homes.
The town is busy but not crazy. You buy Ella an expensive designer dog biscuit from the pet store. Popeye buys a pair of flip flops he can wear out by the pool. Together, you sit outside the deli and watch expensive cars drive by. You are impressed that Popeye knows makes and models. He talks about growing up in California before his family moved east because his father got a teaching job at a college in New Jersey.
Back at the house, housemates are packing and checking the train schedules. Jesse is still in bed. You ask if he needs something to drink or to eat or any medicine. He answers, “A migraine. I just have to let it go away.”
By late afternoon the house is empty except for you, Jesse, Popeye, and the dog.
You heat a pizza in the oven and watch a movie with Popeye. He joins you for the dog’s evening walk. While you are outside in the darkness, he takes your hand and draws you into a kiss. “I’ve wanted to do that since yesterday,” he says.
Upstairs, Jesse is snoring. You settle into Popeye’s bed. It’s narrow but plenty of room for what you both want.
You love summer. You love the Hamptons. You love being loved.
Sometime in the middle of the night the dog finds you with Popeye. He leaps up onto the narrow bed and settles between your legs. Popeye stirs and draws you in closer. He understands this is where the dog would rather be.
__________
Jameson Currier is the founder and publisher of Chelsea Station Editions, an independent press devoted to gay literature. He is the author of seven novels, five collections of short stories, and a memoir. “Sometimes You Have to Settle for Popeye (Even Though You’d Rather Play with Bluto)" is an excerpt from his new collection of short stories, Why Didn’t Someone Warn You About Prince Charming? coming this fall from Chelsea Station Editions.